Two Tribes

Tonight I tuned in to the last 10 mins of the channel 4 tv programme “One born every minute” just in time to see a young girl (I say young she could have been in her mid 20’s she just looked years younger than me!) give birth to her first child.  The Dad was overwhelmed with emotion which brought tears to my eyes and took me back to my first labour nearly 6 years ago.  How my life has changed so much since then and in particular how my friendships have all changed.

My bestest friends now are all people whom I have met since becoming a mum.  We shared all the “first time mum” worries, concerns, chats about the colour and consistency of poo.  We turned up to toddler groups covered in baby sick and envied those mums who could always present themselves so well.  I still can’t even do the school run in my high heels let alone carry a baby car seat and changing bag in the pouring rain, 300 yards and up a flight of stairs to the toddler group.

The thing about having a baby is it not only changes your actual life with its physical presence but everything else changes too.  Your old, childless friends don’t actually get what life is like for you now.  In fact before having children I didn’t get what it was like to be a “mum”.  So we have two sets of friends – our mummy friends and our childless friends.  Today Donna & Elizabeth at www.mummycentral.com/ describe exactly this in their guest blog about Two Tribes…

 

Guest Post by Mummy Central: TWO TRIBES

What is it about babies that they can be such little icebreakers when it comes to forming new friendships?
And sledgehammers for placing cracks in old ones?
Like it or not, motherhood is a new chapter in your life when a lot changes.

You may have sat over cappuccinos with your galpals, patting your bump and swearing on your Prada loafers that having a baby wouldn’t change you.
A mere 12 months later and you’ll hardly recognise yourself, smelling more of sour milk than Stella McCartney.
But you’ll suddenly become part of a whole new club of women with shared experiences, making friends with people you might never have entertained in your life BC (before children).

Who cares if she likes jazz and you’re more of an RnB girl? All of a sudden, the redhead at mums and toddlers will bond with you over shared stories of sleepless nights, weaning worries, and eventual potty training fiascos.
The measuring stick you used in sizing up possible friendships will go out of the window.
Meanwhile, unless your old friends are having babies around the same time, you may find some former chums become acquaintances, who eventually drift away.

Much as they try, they’ll never understand why normal programming fails to resume, once baby is out into the world and then off the breast.
Why can’t you come on an all-night bender and just leave junior with his Dad?
If they are without children, and especially if they don’t want any, they will never understand.
And you may find yourself walking a tightrope between the two tribes, in order to fit in with each distinct group.
It’s worth noting the baby years will pass, and the chasm of differences between yourself and your non-parent pals will close.
So, if they’re willing to hang on in there, it’s not always necessary to give up on these good friendships.
But perhaps you will have to become chameleon-like in your conversation when you’re with them, adapting the tone to suit.
Here’s our guide to what to say – and what to avoid – when chatting to your tribal sisters.

The mummy tribe

Don’t say

“I truly believe my baby is better than yours.”

“But you’re doing it all wrong.”

“I don’t know what the fuss is about – motherhood’s a doddle.”

“Do you think baby drool on your top is a good fashion statement?”

“Stop whining woman, for God’s sake.”
Do say

“I find it hard to cope too sometimes.”

“Your best is good enough.”

“It’s so good to have a grown-up to talk to.”

“I’m happy to swap tips on weaning/routines/bedtime routines.”

“I know you’re tired – but you look great.”

The firm tummy tribe
Don’t say

“And here’s one of junior eating his breakfast, and a picture of him filling his nappy, and here he is pulling a funny face……”

“Life was so shallow and meaningless before I became a mother.”

“Why are you so late? Don’t you know junior’s routine is very important?”

“Who wants a cuddle wuddle with my cutesy wutesy baby waby?”

“And another interesting fact about baby poo is….”
Do say

“So tell me all the gossip of what’s going on in your life.”

“I’d love to hear about your new car/holiday/boyfriend.”

“I’ll get a babysitter and we’ll catch up for a long lunch very soon” (and then do it)

“Motherhood is great – but it has to be your choice.”

“Of course my life’s different now, but I’ve always got time for you.”

Donna & Elizabeth can be found at http://www.mummycentral.com/